Best jokes

From one of Tom Clancy's books:

- Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"

- Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."

- Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."

- Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"

- Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him:

- Hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss.

- Yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"

The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this Officer.
• This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
• This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
• The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, "Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."

The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"

The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't look very convinced.

Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.

"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
2. Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
3. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
4. writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
5. On weekends, I go to _____
6. The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
7. My favorite hobby is _____
8. Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
9. I have taken ______ English classes.
10. Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) for i=1 to ++x 10 goto 10
11. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
12. Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer
13. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
14. Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
15. In between classes, I like to _____
16. Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator
17. When I have a report due, I type it on _____
18. My manual typewriter
19. The school's word processor
20. My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
21. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
22. Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
23. The best use of a computer is _____
24. A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
25. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
26. A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
27. What part of speech is "interface"?
28. A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
29. What do you consider to be paradise?
30. Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
31. What type of music do you like?
32. Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
33. What is your favorite game?
34. Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
35. My favorite Movie show is _____
36. Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
37. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
38. Write it on my arm
39. Derive it during test
40. Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
41. The person I marry must have _____
42. Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
43. What I fear the most is _____
44. Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
→ One of them is organized.