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Signs you hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn:

- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

- Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

- He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.

- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.

- ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

- ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

- ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

- ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

- ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

- ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

- Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

- After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your…

- A few crumbs short of a crouton.

- A few clowns short of a circus.

- A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- A few beers short of a six-pack.

- A few peas short of a casserole.

- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

- One taco short of a combination plate.

- A few feathers short of a whole duck.

You are no longer "cool" when:

- You find yourself listening to talk radio.

- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

- You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

- Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

- Oops!

- Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again?

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a…

- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

- The Amish Phone Directory

- Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

- George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

- French Hospitality

- Everything Women Know About Men

- Everything Men Know About Women

- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

- Different Ways To Spell Bob

- Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

- The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

- You were born somewhere else.

- You know how to eat an artichoke.

- The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

- Your car has bulletproof windows.

- Left is right and right is wrong.

- Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

- Your mouse has only one ball.

- You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

- You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

- 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

- 7 Have been arrested for fraud.

- 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

- 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

- 3 Have been arrested for assault.

- 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.

- 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

- 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting.

- 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

- 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

- Non stick Cellotape

- Solar Powered Flash Light

- A black highlighter pen

- Glow in the dark sunglasses

- Inflatable Anchor

- Smooth Sandpaper

- Waterproof sponge

- Waterproof Teabags

- AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

- Fireproof Matches

American Express calls and says:

- Leave home without it!

- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

- Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

- Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

- You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

- You receive care packages from Europe.

- Your bologna has no first name.

Top ten television shows in Iraq:

- "Husseinfeld"

- "Mad About Everything"

- "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

- "Suddenly Sanctions"

- "Allah McBeal"

- "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"

- "Achmed's Creek"

- "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

- "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"

Things you wouldn't know without the tube. All of life's mysteries are on TV:

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- 60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

- 50: Miami residents turn on the heat

- 40: You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

- 35: Italian cars don't start

- 32: Water freezes

- 30: You plan your vacation to Australia

- 25: Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

- 20: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

- 15: French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

- 10: You need jumper cables to get the car going

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

- It beats being an American.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

- Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

- A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins

- Own-an-eskimo scheme.

Top twenty things to do at a drive-thru:

- Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

- Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

- Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

- Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

- Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

- Order in another language.

- Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

- When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian:

- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

- Unembarrassed to wear fur.

- No need to worry about tax returns

- Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.

- Can wear sunglasses inside

- Political stability

- Flexible working hours

- Live near the Pope

- Country run by Sicilian murderers

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American:

- You can have a woman president without electing her

- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

- You can call Budweiser beer

- You can be a crook and still be president

- If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything

- If you can breathe you can get a gun

- You can invent a new public holiday every year

- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

- You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

Top twenty new slogans for Valuejet Airlines:

- ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

- ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.

- Join our frequent near-miss program.

- On flights, every section is a smoking section.

- Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

- Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.

- Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

- Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

- Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

You're so tired you now answer the phone:

- Hell.

Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream:

- Get off my back, jerk!

- Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

- You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.

- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.

- You sleep more at work than at home.

- You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

- Practice making fax and modem noises.

- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.