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- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:

- Shut up, all of you just shut UP!

- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

- Sell Girl Scout cookies.

- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

- Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:

- Got enough air in there?

Top reasons why it's great to be French:

- Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time

- You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs

- If there's a war you can surrender really early

- You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.

- You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries

- You can be ugly and still become a famous film star

- Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride

- People think you're a great lover even when you're not

10 rejected Saturday morning cartoons:

- "Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."

- "Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."

- "Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."

- "Yosemite Sam... UNCENSORED!"

- "The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."

- "Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."

- "The Land of The Lost... The Barney Years."

- "COPS" in full color animation!

The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:

- We know where you live.

- You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

- Everyone's meal today is on you!

- The "special sauce" came from the floor!

- Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

- Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

- A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

- Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.

- See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

Least popular Halloween handouts:

- Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.

- Teeth removing Taffy

- Metamucil in a straw

- Ex-Lax Brownies

- Caramel Covered Zucchini

- Colored Crisco on a Stick

- Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts

- Chocolate Covered Prunes

- A Handful of Red Man

The top 10 signs your dentist is crazy:

- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders".

- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.

- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.

- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

Top things you should not say to a judge:

- "I got your community service right here pal!"

- "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."

- "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"

- "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."

- "No you robe wearing geek."

- "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"

- "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

10 signs Santa has been drinking:

- While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.

- You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.

- Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!

- You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.

- Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.

- After each child, he has a Jello Shot.

- This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.

- He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.

- Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"

The top signs that your net relationship is over:

- All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.

- Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"

- Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

- You get a Dear John E-mai...

- Your name is Fred.

- They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

- She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

- She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job, it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

- During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals…

The top 10 things overheard in a tax preparer's office prior to the tax filing deadline:

- No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

- I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

- How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

- No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

- Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

- No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

The top bad excuses for speeding:

- "This is my tryout for Nascar."

- "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."

- "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"

- "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."

- "Cause those Gorditas rule."

- "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."

- "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."

- "Umm.. I'm drunk?"

- "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

The top signs that you have a boring job:

- You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".

- You have visited every website in the world.

- You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.

- You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

- You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.

- Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.

- You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.

- Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.

- In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single…

10 signs your broker was affected by the Stock Market Crash:

- "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."

- "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."

- "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."

- "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."

- There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

- "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"

- "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."

- "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

- "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple…

Things you'll never hear a man say:

- Here honey, you use the remote.

- You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

- Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

- While I'm up, can I get you anything?

- Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

- Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

- Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

- Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

- We never talk anymore.

Ten things a cat thinks about:

- I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

- Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

- Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

- I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

- Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

- This looks like a good spot for a nap.

- Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

- Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

Top things you should not say at a funeral:

- Geez, what died in here?

- He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

- Nice service...where's the keg?

- When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

- Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.

- Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

- You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

- Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

The Top 10 signs you're flying on a bad airline:

- The engine's being held on by duct tape.

- You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

- In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.

- Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.

- Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

- As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".

- The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

- The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!

- Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

- Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

- You may not drive barefooted.

- It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

- It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

- Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

- Masks may not be worn in public.

- Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

- Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

- Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

- Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

- You may not drive barefooted.

- It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

- It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

- Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

- Masks may not be worn in public.

- Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

- Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

- Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

- In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

- While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

- It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

- It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist. -Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

- Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

- You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

- Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

- There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

- When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

- Hunting camels is prohibited.

- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

- It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

- Cars may not be driven in reverse.

- Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

- If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

- A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

- Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

- The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

- Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw".

- A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

- Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

- It is illegal to kill "any living creature".

- It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

- No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

- Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

- Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

- Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

- Bathhouses are against the law.

- In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

- Women may not drive in a house coat.

- It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

- Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

- You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper…

- Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

- It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

- No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)

- It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

- Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.

- It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

- It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

- You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

- It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

- You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

- It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

- You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.

- The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)

- It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

- No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.

- It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

- Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.

- You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.