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10. Watch the bag fill.
11. Hyperventilate.
12. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
13. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
14. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
15. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
16. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
17. Faint.
18. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
19. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking…

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
11. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
12. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
13. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
14. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
15. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
16. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
17. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
18. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
19. Two words: catapulting teacups.

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
11. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
12. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
13. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
14. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
15. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
16. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
17. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
18. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani…

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
11. Today is our what?
12. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
13. I thought we only celebrated important events?
14. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
15. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
16. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
17. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
18. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
19. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in…

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to…

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"

- Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."

- Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.

- The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"

- Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.

- Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.

- WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

- Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly…

- What do you mean today's our anniversary?

- Can we not talk to each other tonight?

- I'd rather just watch TV.

- Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

- And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

- Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

- Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

- I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

You know you're having a bad day when...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

- Your income tax refund check bounces.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- Broken Bag-O-Glass

- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

- Switchblade Barney

- Pork-n-Beany Babies

- Make your own moonshine kit

- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

You know you're too stressed if...

- You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

- The Sun is too loud.

- Trees begin to chase you.

- You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

- You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

- You can hear mimes.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

- Things become "Very Clear."

- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

- You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

- The homeless are invisible.

- The subway makes sense.

- The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

- You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

Things you'll never hear a dad say:

- Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

- You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

- Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

As Hostage Taker:

- Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

- Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

- Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

- Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

- Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

- Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

- Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

- Fetch command not available on all platforms.

- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

You're drinking too much coffee when...

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

- You speed walk in your sleep.

- You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

- You answer the door before people knock.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

- The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

- The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

- The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

- AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

- Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

- The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

- The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

- I was working smarter - not harder.

- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

- I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- I'm in the management training program.

- I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

You might be an Internet addict if...

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".

- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Signs you took Y2K too serious:

- You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

- You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.

- You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

- You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

- You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

- You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one and five dollar bills.

- You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

- You were depressed because nothing happened !!

- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

- You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

You might be a bad customer if:

- You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.

- You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.

- You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

- You return the coffee because it's too hot.

- You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

- You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

- You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.

- If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.

- "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

- "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

- "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

- "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

- "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

- "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

- "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

- "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."