Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these!"

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Disco Barbie ...dressed in chiffon; includes disco ball

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Hockey Barbie ...comes with hockey stick and missing teeth

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake!"

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:

• MENtal illness
• MENstrual cramps
• MENtal breakdown
• MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.

Why did God give woman nipples?
→ To make suckers out of men.

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.

A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears.
They had only two applicants - a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist.

The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen.

He first asked the young women to show him what she could do.

She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest bear walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.

The astonished mammalogist then said to the old man, "Can you do that?"

"You're darn right I can," said the old man, "just get that bear out of there first!"

How do you confuse a woman??
→ Give her a choice!!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Teenage Pregnancy Barbie ...complete with dropout forms. Angry parents and deadbeat boyfriend sold separately