Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Bearded Barbie ...complete with tweezers

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

- Man: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.

- God: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.

- Man: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.

- God: I know I made them for her so you would love her.

- Man: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.

- God: I know.. I made her that way so she could love YOU!

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

10. Cats' facial expressions
11. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
12. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
13. Fat clothes
14. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
15. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
16. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
17. Eyelash curlers
18. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Banjo Barbie ...complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.

It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

(Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)

1. Breathing.....

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.