Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
→ A know-it-all bitch.

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits."

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?"

The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!"

What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
→ He is usually home with the kids!

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, "What's for dinner?"

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".

believe that the members of the dental profession are the only men who can tell a women to open or close her mouth and get away with it.

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

"Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!"

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested, "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?"

Her mother glared back at her and said, "Don't talk about your father that way!"

Why don't women have men's brains?
→ Because they don't have penises to put them in.