Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes

Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.

"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.

"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby."

"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned. "My baby already has a FIRST name!"

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.

I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, "At ten o clock, please report position and depth."

When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....

John.

To Space

When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car

• To Bed or Bust
• She got him today - He'll get her tonight
• Just living together

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...

After careful consideration and endless debate The Perfect Man has finally been named!

He's tan!
He's cute!
He knows the importance of accessorizing!
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face!

INTRODUCING...

MR. POTATO HEAD!

( Good with sour cream and butter too! :)

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.

A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
14. Women would rule the world.

Don't look out of the window, Betty, people will think it's Halloween.

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "I know what your problem is, you have zactly."

The lady then asked, "What is zactly?"

The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!"