Situations — most viewed jokes

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"

"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.' They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.' The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.' The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
• The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
• The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
• Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
• Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
  Name: Bertha Belch.
  Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
• Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

You might be a child of the 80's if...

• you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.
• the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
• you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
• not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.
• you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
• you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.
• the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
• you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
• songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
• three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
• you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
• you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
• you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
• you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
• a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
• you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
• you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
• while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
• you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
• one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"
• you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
• you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
• you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.
• you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
• you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
• you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".
• you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
• you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."
• you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
• kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
• you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
• flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
• the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
• you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
• at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
• "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
• the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
• there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
• you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
• you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
• you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
• the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
• you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
• honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
• you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
• you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
• (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
• (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
• you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.
• you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.
• you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"
• you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
• you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.
• you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
• your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".
• this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

• you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
• you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
• you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.
• you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
• you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
• you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".
• going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
• you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.
• you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.
• you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.
• you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
• you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
• (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.
• you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
• U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
• you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
• when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
• you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
• you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
• you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
• you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).
• you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
• your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
• you know who shot J.R.
• this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.

In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

You know you have been on the computer too long when...

• When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the else clause.
• When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
• When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
• When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
• When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
• When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
• When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
• When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors....
• You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '', and continue writing on the next line.