Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me."

"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.

"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
→ Slow.

These two old men are in a nursing home.
They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won't know the difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, "I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything." The second guy said, "I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."

What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?
→ Nothing, they have never met.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"

The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"