Science — most viewed jokes

While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists loose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy, a well known botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world."

The second guy, an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."

The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

- Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?

- Pupil: Banana.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.

We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks.
Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well...
He'll probably die"

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

She replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably going to die."

Who was the most famous ant scientist?
→ Albert Antstein!

- Dr Frankenstein: I've just invented something that everyone in the world will want! You know how you get a nasty ring around the bathtub every time you use it, and you have to clean the ring off?

- Igor: Yes, I hate it.

- Dr Frankenstein: Well, you need never have a bathtub ring again! I've invented the square tub . . .

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp.
"Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?"
" Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man.
"Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town."
"Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead."
"No, I can't believe that..... It can't be true...are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure."
"I just can't believe that....

With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure."
The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.
"Well, the cat say he's dead. Does that assure you?"
"No, I need more than that...

Do you have anything else?"
The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.
"Well, now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you sir."
"OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...

How much do I owe you?"
"It'll be $650 bucks." The biologist tells the old man.
"What??", replied the old man, "How can you charge that much??!!"
"Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!"