Science — most viewed jokes

What's a transvestite's idea of a good time? Eat, drink, and be Mary!

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

If a tree falls in the forest, and there's noone there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below)1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologicprotuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement ofa sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact sizeof which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended,sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of hisanatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the teamperformed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction takenby the first member.2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: oneresearcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unableto consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocalarrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viandsunder consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container ofthe viands devoid of contents.3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supportingstructural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involvedin ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritualobservance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into thesaccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followedby removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made adeclarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as ayoung male human.4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuitywere observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of anagriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triplecaudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally usedfor the subdivision of edible tissue.5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a smallimmature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of whichreflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal tothat mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.

Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, theprobability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the samepathway.6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, wasquestioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land usedfor production of various types of flora. The tract components wereenumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanincgrowth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after.2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so.......(I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean.3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!"4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice.5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row.

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patientsCONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and thecontaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has causedmillions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recentlyCalifornia.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:- as an industrial solvent and coolant- in nuclear power plants- in the production of styrofoam- as a fire retardant- in many forms of cruel animal research- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food productsCompanies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can bedone to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact onwildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production anddistribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health ofthis nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations areconducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollardevices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds ofmilitary research facilities receive tons of it through a highlysophisticated underground distribution network. Many store largequantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other,"Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving bythe regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the humanbrain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

What did one gay sperm say to the other? - I can't find my way through all this shit.