School — most viewed jokes

A blonde began a job as a Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the bloody goalie."

A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.

Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint "what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night" she asked?

All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled "Jesus Christ! Spit it out, it's Asshole"!

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.

"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied. "Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"

- Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

- Little Johnny: I get up early.

What do insects learn at school?
→ Mothmatics!

- Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

- Little Johnny: Here it is!

- Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

- Class: Little Johnny!

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?"

- Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man.

- Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
→ So they can park in handicapped spaces.