School — most viewed jokes

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!"

There are three 3rd Grade girls, a blonde, a brunnett, and a red-head.

Which one is the tallest?
→ The blonde -- she is 18 years old!

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

"Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym teacher.
"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy."

"I'm freewheeling, sir."

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"

Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.

"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are."

"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.

"I think your feet go up first."

Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"

Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"

Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.

"Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"

I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:

"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".

What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
• The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
• When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
• Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
• Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
• There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
• Lime is a green-tasting rock.
• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
• In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
• Clouds are high flying fogs.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
• We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
• Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
• A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
• A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
• It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
• The wind is like the air, only pushier.