Religion — most viewed jokes

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel replied, "Flu..."

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
→ They couldn't find three wise men!!!

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

- Devil: Why so glum?

- Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

- Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

- Guy: Sure I love to drink.

- Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

- Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

- Devil: You a smoker?

- Guy: You better believe it.

- Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!

- Guy: No way!

- Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

- Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

- Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

- Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...

- Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

- Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...

- Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!

- Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

- Devil: So... are you gay?

- Guy: Uh, no.

- Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

How do Religious Education teachers mark exams?
→ With spirit levels.

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."

And Jesus said, "What?"

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"