Religion — most viewed jokes

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.

How do we know that God is a man?
→ Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

• Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
• Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
• Two heads are better than one.
• Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.
• Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
• Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
• When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!
• Stay below deck during the storm.
• The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
• If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
• Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
• Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...
• No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.

"That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
→ A pecking order.

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...

"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"

The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says: "Ok, here's how it works...

If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.

If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.

If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.

He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...

"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into his father's business.2. He lived at home until the age of33.3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He never held a steady job.3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was always in trouble with the law.3. His mother wasn't married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hand.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He had no permanent address.3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion.

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."

"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."

"That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

"Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.

"Who is that guy?" one person says.

"I don't know," says another, "but his face sure rings a bell..."