Religion — most viewed jokes

Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?
→ Well God found plenty of guys who liked to deal with sheep, but he could'nt find three wise men or a virgin.

God, I was wondering... how long is a million years to you?

God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you."

So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you."

So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"

And God answers, "Just a second son."

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?"

"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".

The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again". The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate". The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says:

You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.

Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. The pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian". Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said: "Sin?"

A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."