Religion — most viewed jokes

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Schwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. "Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

There are three truths in life:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
→ A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.

Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.

"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you believe, man?"

"Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."

"Checking? Checking for what?"

Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: "Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"

Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple?
→ Because everyone had to go on in pairs!

In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations.

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"