Mom/Dad Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Do you want some help using the Internet, son?

- No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

What did the young witch say to her mother?
→ Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?

- My, hasn't your little girl grown?

- Yes, she's certainly gruesome.