Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for.

One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters.

As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said, "Aren't we paying our drivers a lot these days?"

The NCO, without missing a beat replied, "Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards."

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
→ It eggs-plodes!

How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.

Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?
→ Because sheep would be too obvious

This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.

The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn.

The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM
2. DISILUSIONMENT
3. PANIC
4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY
5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT
6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.

The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.

As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place:

- Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

- Cobra: I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet.

Why is being in the military like a blow job?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room.

- Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant.

- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.