Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"

During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle.

The Sergeant said, "How'd you learn to shoot like that? Have you ever been in combat before?"

"Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be honest, this is my first public war."

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days:

- Have you ever hunted bear?

- His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.

Why did the little pig try to join the Navy?
→ He loved to sing, "Oinkers Aweight"

Army Jokes by Major Laugh

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander:

- Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth

- Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?

- Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn

- QMOW: Navigator we're on a course for sea mounts.

- NAV: Exec we're heading for shallow water.

- EXEC: Captain, we're running out of water.

- CAPT: What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers.

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ That's a military secret.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!"
The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

- 1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?

- 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!