Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.

Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

Colin Powell, once USA's highest ranking military officer, (now Secretary of State), loves to relate this incident from his Vietnam days. It shows the importance of clear objectives.

Finding an outpost at a very vulnerable spot, Powell decided to investigate why it was location was chosen. He was assured that it was a very important outpost.

- What's it's mission?

- To protect the airfield!

- What's the airfield here for?

- To resupply the outpost!

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!"

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.

"What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!"

"I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!"

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. "In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...!"

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!"

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!"

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny, asks the Pollock?"

The Redneck replies - "I just farted and my house blew up!"

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?

Two paratrooper recruits in a plane:

- Are you crazy, Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute.

- Is it mandatory to wear it?

- Sure. It's raining outside.

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.

The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"