Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
(ATTENTION... if you don't get it, seek help fast :)

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
→ One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
→ Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
→ They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
→ Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
→ He's breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
→ Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?
→ Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
→ Because they're stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?
→ It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
→ They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
→ All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
→ Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
→ Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
→ Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!"

The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick."

The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!"

The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women."

The genie pauses for a moment and says, "So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?"

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."

...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
→ The La-Z-Boy recliner.

Your so bald your bald