Men Jokes — most viewed jokes

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

What is a more macho man?
→ At the critical moment when he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often?'

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Why did the man cross the road?
→ Because his penis told him to.
→ Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
→ So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't drive worth shit...)
→ Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. - Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. - Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. - Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' - Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. - Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. - Gwyneth Paltrow

Men are like government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided,

"I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."

POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

Excuse me, your fly is unzipped:

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."