Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . .

"Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavran

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash

What do you do if your bank account stops working?
→ Throw the guy out of the house.

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth'

Mickey retorted, "I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!"

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.

The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.

The woman asks: will this cure my illness?

The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"