Farming Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
→ He wanted sweet and sour pork!

Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece.

They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with.

"See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

- How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?

- No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens.

- You must have a very large chicken house.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...

• Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
• She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
• Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
• Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
• Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
• Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
• Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
• Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
• Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
• She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
• Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
• Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
• Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
• Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
• Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
• Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
• Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
• Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
• Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
• You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
• Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
• Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

What's a fresh vegetable?
→ One that insults a farmer.

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

"Say, Pop," said the boy.

"Yes," replied his father.

"The bull just screwed the brown cow!"

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow." The father went back inside the house.

After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!"

"Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!"