Ethnic — most viewed jokes

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.

- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
→ It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

- Why not?

- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!"

The Newfie said, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish". Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!" Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said, "Tell me more about this wall." The genie said, "Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

So, the Vancouver guy said, "Fill it up with water!"

Did You hear about the Redneck who...

• Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage.
• Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery.
• Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.
• Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.
• Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.
• Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped.
• Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her.
• Thought asphalt was rectal trouble.
• Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
• Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.
• Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.
• Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.
• Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
• Studied for five days to take a urine test.
• Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
• Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He swore his mother was a virgin.
4. And his Mother thought he was God.

Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'?
→ They don't like ANY Witnesses!

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five." At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you." The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me about it."

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."

How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
→ Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ One, but don't expect results.

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?
→ When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.