Ethnic — most viewed jokes

After months of negotiation with the authorities, aTalmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visitMoscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next tohim. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if heisn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.

If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewishbecause this is, after all, a Jewish district. On theother hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?

I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission totravel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow thereis a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't needspecial permission to go there. But why would he begoing to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one ofthe Jewish families there, but how many Jewishfamilies are there in Samvet? Only two - theBernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are aterrible family, and a nice looking fellow like himmust be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?

The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he'stheir son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughterdid he marry? They say that Sarah married a nicelawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessmanfrom Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Whichmeans that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm notmistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all theanti-Semitism they have there, he must have changedhis name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?

Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, hemust have some special status. What could it be? Adoctorate from the University for sure. At this pointthe scholar turns to the young man and says, "How doyou do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startledpassenger. But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.

Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.

"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you believe, man?"

"Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."

"Checking? Checking for what?"

Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: "Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime' interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?"

Hitler replied "Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!"

The journalist asked "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!"

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team?
→ Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
→ A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"

He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

- Speedbird 206: Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.

- Ground: Good Morning, taxi to your gate.

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

- Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?

- Speedbird 206: Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

- Ground (impatiently): Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?

- Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop.

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."