Drunks — most viewed jokes

How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?
→ 30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
21. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
22. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
23. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
24. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
25. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
26. Bad cop. No donut.
27. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
28. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
29. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
30. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
31. I pay your salary
32. So uh, you on the take or what?
33. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
34. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
35. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
36. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
37. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
38. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
39. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red or green. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell us if the moon is red or green?" The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"

How does a women hold her liquor?
→ By the ears.

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush.

Part A - Either Candidate

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says...

• Iran
• Iraq
• North Korea
• Afghanistan
• Sudan
• Libya
• Axis of Evil
• Gay Marriage
• United Nations
• Tax Cuts

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says...

• Saddam Hussein
• Osama Bin Ladden
• Al Qaeda
• September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center
• WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction
• Homeland Security
• Nuclear Proliferation
• If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them
• If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light)

Part B - George W. Bush

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if George W. Bush says...

• Uhhh...
• If George Bush stutters
• Florida
• Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq
• Tony Blair
• Dick Cheney
• Terrorist or Terrorism

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush...

• Miss-pronounces "nuclear"
• Mentions a John Kerry "Flip Flop"
• Mentions anything else about John Kerry's voting record
• Says "War on Terra"
• Says "Evil-Doers"
• Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks
• Commits a "Bushism" - meaning he says something that doesn't make any sense

Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush

• Chokes on a pretzel

Part C - John Kerry

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if John Kerry says...

• [Any Number] Billion Dollars
• Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry
• Four More Years
• Anything about the economy
• No Child Left Behind
• Last Resort
• Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq
• John Edwards

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry...

• Mentions "Mission Accomplished"
• Mentions anything about Vietnam
• Mentions anything about Purple Hearts
• Mentions anything about George W. Bush's service in the National Guard
• Mentions anything about Bush administration "misjudgments"
• Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

What's the best way to kill a man?
→ Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one