Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers
"Write in C."

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

{ Guitar Solo}
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
11. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
12. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
13. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
14. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
15. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
16. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
17. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
18. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
19. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.

D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer. P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.
• Big power surges knock them out for the night.
• Size does matter

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"