Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
6. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
7. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
8. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
9. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
6. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
7. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
8. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
9. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
10. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
11. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
12. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
13. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
14. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
15. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
16. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
17. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Reasons computers must be male

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.

Newsflash

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'."

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.

• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
• A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
• All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN...cable modem... T1... T3.
• And even your night dreams are in HTML.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au."
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• Your dog's homepage is actually good.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing."

To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"

The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.