Comedian Jokes — most viewed jokes

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
→ Samson. He brought the house down.

How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ November.

- Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt?

- Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.

What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
→ They had a feast of fun.

"The trouble is," said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!"
"Then why don't you give up show business?"
"I can't - I'm a star!"

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
11. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
12. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
13. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh".
14. There's a two drink minimum.
15. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
16. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
17. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
18. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else.
19. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold?
→ BITING humour!

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

What's blue and sings alone?
→ Dan Ackroyd.

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
11. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
12. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
13. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
14. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
15. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
16. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
17. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
18. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
19. Richard Simmons never follows you home.