Celebrities — most viewed jokes

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

What do you call a literary fish?
→ Salmon Rushdie!

What famous pig actor made a movie about Frankenswine?
→ Boaris Karloff.

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

• Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic
• That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon
• Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon
• Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein
• What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima
• It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso
• How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras
• You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo
• Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney
• Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah
• Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.
• Fuck Logic! - Spock
• I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader
• Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
→ They're both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
→ Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

From David Letterman and the Late Show...

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
11. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know"
12. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
13. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying
14. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat
15. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
16. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
17. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife"
18. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built"
19. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
14. Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

The Yoko Club?
→ Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
→ I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
→ Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
→ Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?
→ Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?
→ Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
→ You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
→ Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
→ Noh.

The quarterback club?
→ I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?
→ I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?
→ Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
→ Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
→ Sure.

The pregnancy club?
→ Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club?
→ Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders?
→ They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society?
→ Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club?
→ Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
→ God willing!

What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
→ Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw she had no clothes on?
→ It made him shy!