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The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13. "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."
14. "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
15. "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
16. "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
17. "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
18. "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."
19. "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater."
20. "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."
21. "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
22. "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."
23. "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."
24. "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."

and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998...

1. "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."

From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash.
11. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.
12. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
13. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
14. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.
15. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
16. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
17. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"
18. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.
19. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!" (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement.
"How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.

"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."

"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.

"There's just one catch," his partner warns.

"What's the catch?"

"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter

Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
Gary Hart

My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant

Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!
Mayor Marion Berry

Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.
Marv Albert

Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.
Warm personal regards, Newt

Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford

Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole

Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Michael Jackson

Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!
With sympathy, Rob Lowe

Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

Dear Mr. President: We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."

"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"

Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"

"Yes," says Morty.

"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)

Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.

How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.

HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!

How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!

What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.

What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.

How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.

How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.

Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!

What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.

Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day?
→ A wet one.

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."