Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Scotsmen don't change light bulbs, it's cheaper to sit in the dark

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:
"Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:
"Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

What would Economics be without assumptions?
→ Accounting

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this..)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Why is the moon like a dollar?
→ It has four quarters.

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
→ The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
→ He wanted cold hard cash!

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

• 10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
• 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
• 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
• 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

• Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
• What if one's penis is self employed?
• Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
• Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
• Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying... "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these areas in particular."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
→ Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.