Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is."

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

"Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

Why do bankers make great lovers?
→ They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"

The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ...."

"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out while you are in my store!"

"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.

"Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
→ He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.

He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy."

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.