Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

So, this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my brother?"... and the barman says "I don't know, what does he look like?" (ba-dum-tish)

What happened when the barman died?
→ The police held an inn-quest

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.

He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender, 'man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, 'down the hall, second door on the right.' So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!'

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."

The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!"

And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"