Aviation Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously.

John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive.

After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said, "Viva la France." Next a preacher went to the door and said, "Lord forgive me for what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said, "Well guess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed them out and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!"

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just caught fire!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs. "Say," an alert passenger spoke up, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

- Speedbird 206: Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.

- Ground: Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

- Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?

- Speedbird 206: Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

- Ground (with typical German impatience): Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?

- Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though.

The reverand says "I should go! everybody needs religion!" they agree and he jumps.

Another guy says "I'm the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!" so he jumps.

The old guy says to the hipee "I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump."

But the hipee replies "Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!"

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

- Little boy to airline pilot: You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.

- Pilot: Not if I do it right.