Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

• Mypenis ate my homework.
• Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• I love giving Mypenis a bath.
• At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
• Help! I can't find Mypenis!
• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
• Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
• Stop kicking Mypenis.
• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
• Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
• Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
• Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
• Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?
→ None. It just lets out a little wine.

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have "mad passionate animal sex." When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, "How much did you make," looking at his "good" son. The "good" son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, "How about you?" The bad son said, "well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!"

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ Eight beers.

Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, "Of course not".

The younger nun asked "Did it hurt?"

The sister replied "Of course! He never called and he never wrote."

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside????
→ K9P.

Here's a sad one...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
→ A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

So there is a cow and a chicken. And the cow goes... Baak!

Baak! LOL (why would a cow go baak!?!) LOL And... LOL...the chicken goes ...

LOL...

Moo!

LOL (why would a chicken say moo!?!) ....