For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole.
Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God! No more of those freezing Russian winters."
A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.
"Really?" said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?"
The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it." Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.
"Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant."
The doctor nods knowingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?"
The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too!"
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.
- Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.
- Come on now, Mr. Peters, your sex drive's all in your head.
- That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little.
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester!"
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
→ Fur traders.
I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."
He said, "Don't answer it!"
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
- Man: What's the problem officer?
- Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
- Man: No sir, I was going 65.
- Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
- Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
- Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
- Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
- Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
- Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
- Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
