Most viewed jokes

How many letters are there in the alphabet?
→ Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

You're so poor that when I went to your house I stepped on a match and your mom said, "Oh! who turned off the fireplace"!!!

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
→ A dependent Claus.

Theorem: 1 = -1

Proof:
1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1

Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other.
1 = sqrt(1)
and -1 = sqrt(1)
Therefore 1 = -1

As an alternative method for solving:

Theorem: 1 = -1

Proof:
x=1
x^2=x
x^2-1=x-1
(x+1)(x-1)=(x-1)
(x+1)=(x-1)/(x-1)
x+1=1
x=0
0=1
=> 0/0=1/1=1

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
→ Fucks funny!

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

The Hotel Odeon in Paris is offering tourists a 'Diana Tour' - a personal reenactment of Princess Diana's last night alive. For $50 extra you can enjoy the "Land Mind Obstacle Course".