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Shortest Book Of The Month
Shortest Book of the Month: Ronald Reagan's "Memories"
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Same In-Laws
You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Kissing The Blarney Stone
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Academy of Mudgeology
Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50)HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15)POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1:30-2:45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6:00-8:15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8:00-8:50)COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7:00-9:15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9:30-10:45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH (MWF 10:00-10:50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS (MWF 9:00-9:50)ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME (WTBS 4:35-5:05)MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 (TH 5:30-7:15)ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS (TH 11:00-12:15)ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST (MW 3:00-3:50)MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN (TH 9:30-10:45)POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS (M 1:00-1:05)ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS (MWF 2:00-2:50)MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT (W 6:00-8:30)COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "MELROSE PLACE" (MTWTFSS 9:00-4:15)A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVER AS A PAINT BRUSH (TH 3:00-4:15)HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE (MWF 1:00-1:50)ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF BARNEY FIFE (MWF 9:00-9:50)PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS (TH 2:00-3:15)TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY (M 7:00-9:15)ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS (MWF 10:00-10:50)Thanks to stampo (genie.com)
The Chief's Three Wives
Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.
After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!
Men Chasing Women
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Green Golf Balls
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
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Potted Meat Appetizer
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
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Basketball Entrance Exam
Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV
(basketball players only)
Time Limit: 3 weeks
- What language is spoken in France?
- Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
- Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
- What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
- Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
- What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
- How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
- What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners
- Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.
- Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
- Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
- Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no
- What are coat hangers used for?
- The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
- Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
- Where is the basement in a three story building located?
- Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
- Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
- What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
- The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
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Specimen Cup
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
- Doctor: What was the problem?
- Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.
- Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
- Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.