Most viewed jokes

You know you're too stressed if...

- You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

- The Sun is too loud.

- Trees begin to chase you.

- You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

- You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

- You can hear mimes.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

- Things become "Very Clear."

- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

- The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

- You and Reality file for divorce.

- You can skip without a rope.

- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

- You can travel without moving.

- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

- Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

- Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

- Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

- You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied:

- Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

- Who was the first woman on earth?

- I don't know, Sir.

- Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple.

- Granny Smith?

- My, hasn't your little girl grown?

- Yes, she's certainly gruesome.

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
→ He's the Easter Bungee!

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man:

- So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

- Yes, Doc, - the old man slowly responded.

- My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise.

- You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

- Well, - the old man said.

- I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said:

- I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive.

- Doc, - the old man said.

- You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here, pointing to his head, to here, pointing to between his legs.

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that wire?

- Well - the kid drawls:

- this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!

- You can't catch chickens with chicken wire! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

- Hey kid! - the farmer yells:

- where ya goin' with that tape?

- Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape - says the kid:

- this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!

- You can't catch ducks with duck tape! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that stick?

- Well, this here ain't just any old stick - says the kid:

- this here's pussy willow.

- Hang on - says the farmer:

- I'll get my hat!