Most viewed jokes

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said:

- My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.

She said:

- Yes, but it didn't work.

He said:

- Did you try hitting them with a broom.

She said:

- Yes, but that didn't work either.

He then said:

- Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said:

- Do you really think that will work?

He said:

- Well it just did for me!

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!

You Know You're in New York City When...

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabs honking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading:

- Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning:

- My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said:

- I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo.

Perplexed, the stewardess said:

- But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo.

- Damn! - replied the blonde passenger, I got on the wrong plane.

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

Why is the sky not happy on clear days?
→ It has the blues

It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said:

- You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said:

- No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said:

- Now THAT'S a good date!!

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?
→ Kermit's Dick