Most viewed jokes

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
→ F18... B52... F18

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartenders says no. "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

- Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

- Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

- Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[dramatic pause]

- Pastor: Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

- George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

- Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

- Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

- Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

• Dormitory == Dirty Room
• Desperation == A Rope Ends It
• The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
• Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
• Animosity == Is No Amity
• Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
• Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
• Semolina == Is No Meal
• The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
• A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
• The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
• Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
• Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing:

[From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes: In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes: A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" she says.
"Where did it get you?" he replies.
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole."

"I think your stance must be a little too wide."

Why do bees buzz?
→ Because they can't whistle!

Can bees fly in the rain?
→ Not without their little yellow jackets!

Why did the bee started talking poetry?
→ He was waxing lyrical!

What goes zzub, zzub?
→ A bee flying backwards!

What are the cleverest bees?
→ Spelling bees!

What bee is good for your health?
→ Vitamin bee!

What's a bees favorite novel?
→ The Great Gats-bee!

What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell?
→ A hum dinger!

How many bees do you need in a bee choir?
→ A humdred!

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"