The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
- Mrs. Brown, - he said, - I have some good news for you.
The woman said:
- I'm glad of that, doctor, but I'm Miss Brown.
- Miss Brown, - said the doctor without changing expression, - I have bad news for you.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
You don't know Jack Schitt!
When someone says:
- You don't know Jack Schitt, well, now you'll know the entire story.
Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.
Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.
As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.
Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.
So the next time someone says:
- You don't know Jack Schitt! - you can say:
- Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!
What do you see when the pillsbary dough boy bends over?
→ Doughnuts
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
- Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
- Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said:
- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.
- My darling - he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says:
- Earthling take me to your leader!
He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again:
- Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!
Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says:
- If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!
The second Alien replies:
- O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block.
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time:
- Earthling take me to your leader!
No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.
He then says to the second Alien:
- If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?
The second replies:
- I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.
- I assume - she barked.
- there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?
- There is! - he replied.
- Breakfast.
