Most viewed jokes

How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
→ The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
→ You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
→ They make great anchors!

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
→ They make good paddles.

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
→ A chain saw has a dynamic range.

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
→ You can turn off a chainsaw.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
→ One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
→ You can tune a Harley.

What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
→ An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
→ Saves time.

Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
→ Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
→ By their names.

What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
→ "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
→ Will the defendant please rise.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

• 5316 Useless Meeting
• 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
• 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
• 5319 Waiting for Break
• 5320 Waiting for Lunch
• 5321 Waiting for End of Day
• 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
• 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
• 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
• 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
• 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
• 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
• 5481 Buying Snack
• 5482 Eating Snack
• 5500 Filling Out Timesheet
• 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
• 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
• 5503 Scratching Yourself
• 5504 Sleeping
• 5510 Feeling Bored
• 5511 Feeling Horny
• 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
• 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
• 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
• 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
• 5604 Complaining About Boss
• 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
• 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
• 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
• 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
• 6102 Ordering Out
• 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
• 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
• 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
• 6201 Stealing Company Goods
• 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
• 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
• 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
• 6205 Hiding from Boss
• 6206 Gossip
• 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
• 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
• 6211 Updating Resume
• 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
• 6213 Out of Office on Interview
• 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
• 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
• 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
• 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
• 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
• 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
• 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
• 6602 Complaining
• 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
• 6611 Staring Into Space
• 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
• 6615 Transcendental Meditation
• 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
• 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
• 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
• 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
• 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
• 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
• 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
• 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
• 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
• 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
• 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
• 8000 Recreational Drug Use
• 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
• 8002 Liquid Lunch
• 8100 Reading e-mail

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

• 660 - Approximate number of the Beast
• DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
• 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
• 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
• / 666 - Beast Common Denominator
• 666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
• 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
• 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
• 1-666 - Area code of the Beast
• 00666 - Zip code of the Beast
• 1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
• $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
• $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
• $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
• $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
• $646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
• Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
• Route 666 - Way of the Beast
• 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
• 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
• 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
• 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
• Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
• Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
• i66686 - CPU of the Beast
• 666i - BMW of the Beast
• DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
• 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.

She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.

He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife. Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear ?"

Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God !" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed !"

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go.

Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

• Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
• Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
• Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
• Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
• Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
• Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
• Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
• Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
• Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
• Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
• Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
• Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
• Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
• Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
• Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
• Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
• Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
• Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
• Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
• Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
• Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
• Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
• Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
• Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
• Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
• Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
• Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
• Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
• Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
• Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
• Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
• Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
• Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
• Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
• Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
• Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services.
Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."
James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV