Most viewed jokes

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you would offend the person standing near you?...

NOT. Well, if you are, then here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired

She is not: A Bleached Blonde
She is: Peroxide Dependant

She is not: A babe or chick
She is: A Breasted American

She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior

She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior

She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior

If she does not want to get: Married or hitched
She does not want: Domestic Incarceration

She is not: Half naked
She is: Wardrobe Impaired

She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted

She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not: Small or short
She is: Vertically Challenged

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"

Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. "You know," said the first friend, "I can always tell who the golfers are in church."

"How's that?" asked his friend.

"It's easy," he said. "Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip."

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.

- Father, Can I ask you a question?

- Ok ask.

- When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

- !!!??????!!!

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

- What is it, child?

- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see... I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache."

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."