Most viewed jokes

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school.

Danny says:

- I won't be going to school tomorrow.

- Why not? - asks Joey.

- I have to go to the hospital - says Danny woefully.

- That's awful - says Joey.

- Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?

Danny shakes his head and replies:

- I have to have a circumcision.

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across his face:

- That's Horrible! - he cries:

- Why, I had that done when I was born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!

What's the new documentary about Madonna going to be called?
→ Missionary Position Impossible.

Yo mamas so fat she sat on Saturn and skittles started falling out

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

- Oy Morris - said grandma.

- You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered:

- I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home.

How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
→ So men can tell if they are coming or going.

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side:

- I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.

- Well, spit it out it isn't yours.

- Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap?

- Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

- It's free, - Peter replied.

- this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked:

- what are the green fees?

Peter's reply:

- This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

- How much to eat? - asked the old man.

- Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! - Peter replied with some exasperation.

- Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? - the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured:

- That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said:

- This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"