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- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

- Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.

- For gods sake! - he screamed:

- Someone could have attacked you and raped you!

- I wasn't ever in no danger at all - she said, trying to calm him down.

- As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:

- It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?

In England they say:

- It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?

In France they say:

- It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?

In Poland they say:

- It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six
OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd:

- I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.

The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.

The man looks around and answers:

- 869.

The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

The shepherd says:

- Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal.

The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

- Wait - cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.

- You are an accountant for the government - says the shepherd.

- Amazing! - responds the man.

- You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?

- Well - says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced:

- One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced:

- One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left.

An hour later the captain announced:

- One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said:

- If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.

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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded:

- Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.

- Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

- Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news:

- I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said:

- You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."